i want to be like Davy Jones...
i wanna cut my heart out and lock it in a chest.. leaving it to beat slowly.. without me needing to care about it.. take it far away from me.. i don't want to feel any pain for now.. it's too much to bear..

i shan't shed a tear.. until, like Davy Jones... when the hearts are brought together again..



i took my anger out on drums at the arcade.. whacked them so hard.. i didn't care..
headed to Time Crisis 4.. cleared everything.. my hands are like jelly now... thanks Christy for helping me vent out my anger.. heehee~ TERROR BITES! :p i'm so going to dream of them... wahaha...

blah.. i can't eat.. i can't sleep.. when i do eat.. i take dairy products.. like ice-cream.. and the yogurt he left behind.. and i pop my usual acne pills.. at least my physical pain overrides my emotional one for those period of times.. so much so that i caused a premature arrival of the crimson tide.. bleagh.. cramps and gastric isn't one of the best combinations ever..

why do i bother wallowing myself in self pity? who cares about me anyways? i'm the one that screwed it up anyways... so now i'm hurt.. and i can't do anything about it... not for now at least..

i'm mad at myself.. i'm mad at myself for hurting him.. i'm mad at myself coz i'm venting my anger on my friends when they didn't do anything wrong.. i'm mad at myself for being unable to prove my worth somehow..

i told him that i've got so many things left unsaid.. but in actual fact.. the only things on my mind.. or rather words on my mind whenever i think of him.. are "i'm really sorry.. please forgive me.."

if only these words could change things.. but i know my sincerity can't prove my worth for now..

ever since that incident.. i go on my knees each night.. holding back each tear.. i didn't want and still don't want to cry..

some words of his just hit me.. i shan't be overdependent... maybe being alone for now is a better solution...


aini.. i need you.. i wish i could hug someone right now.. someone to sayang me.. and comfort me..

i'm just left speechless for now..